Blue Mondays....

Mood:

I absolutely love that this Prisma effect makes me look like Frida K.  How amazing she was. I have to admit though, I don't have an actual unibrow but feel I could totally pull it off, were I ever moved to start the trend :p

Soooo, I woke up today feeling not so great (as displayed by my sombre expression above). Yeah, most of us despise the Monday morning back to work feels, but we eventually drag ourselves out of bed and get on with it, feeling (hopefully) better as the day progresses.

Today was not one of those days. I'd been unable to sleep much during the night because this specific day would have been the due date of the baby girl I lost to miscarriage on 1 August 2016. Marc and I named her Elle. I was 14 weeks pregnant, so just past the first trimester mark and into the second, when the chance of pregnancy complications decrease tremendously. So it all came as very unexpected when the fateful moment arrived. 

I won't go into too much detail about that day and the months that followed, but it was literally the most traumatic thing myself and Marc ever experienced. We had been excited at the prospect of finally expanding our little family and in one moment, all that excitement and hope for our future was extinguished, and replaced with a deep, dark sadness that we have taken months to move on from. Its something one never forgets or completely gets over, although the bad days become fewer and far between. 

Tests were done which couldn't determine an exact cause, so we put it down to being one of the many pregnancies that end spontaneously...perhaps there was an abnormality of some sort and my body did a very natural thing (albeit painful in many ways) by discarding of the risky pregnancy. Whatever the reason, it took time, lots and lots of tears and support from friends and family (you guys rock ❤) for us to deal with the loss and try to move on. To this day though, it still sometimes feels like a bad dream I'm going to wake up from. That is not an over-exagerration, trust me.

We received some good news in December however, when I found out I was about a month pregnant again. I was almost too scared to get too excited, understandably, after our last episode. But eventually excitement got the better of us and we told our parents, but made sure not to tell too many people or share it on social media. We tried to be a bit more cautious this time with sharing the news, and I was chowing down the healthiest foods and drink I could get my hands on from the moment I saw the positive result.

Alas, at 6 weeks and a few days before Christmas, I suffered another miscarriage. It started pretty much in the same way as last time, and my doctor had prescribed me medication to try to remedy what she thought might be a hormone deficiency.... but I knew the signs and that the inevitable was about to happen- so I made sure to take some strong ass painkillers so I wouldn't have to go to hospital this time. It was so surreal, that this was happening again, that I almost felt like I was watching the whole thing unfold like someone witnessing a carcrash in slow motion. Eventually it passed and although we were sad that it had happened again, I think we had emotionally braced ourselves as soon as signs of threatening miscarriage started again. We were both on December break, so at least had the time to mourn this loss and try to pick ourselves up again. Once again, support from loved ones around that time really helped us through. 

Anyway, I've been more ok than not the past few weeks, occupying myself with the usual everyday comings and goings. Sad moments happen, and then you move on. To dwell is painful. Yet I could do nothing but, in anticipation of the 'due date' date. I suppose this too will pass, in fact I know we will be ok again. But I took today to cry and self-care. I think one needs to do that from time to time, even when everything inside you is telling you to put on a happy face.

Happy to say I'm feeling lots better after the down time, and even though this has been one of the bluest Mondays ever, time heals and will continue to heal. 

Onwards and Upwards!